Future Plans

This message was made for both my blog and my Facebook account.

          I made an important decision last night that will have a major impact to my academic future. I'm taking a year off from school. I've been going to college for almost five years now and I need a break from the stress of school for the sake of my sanity. I've been dealing with massive depression issues for over a year and half and my education has been a major factor in that. Not to worry you guys, but suicidal urges are nearly a daily struggle for me. It terrifies me and needs to be dealt with. I feel bad whenever I mention stuff like that on Facebook but honesty and openness helps me a lot in tackling problems.

          While this decision will delay my plans of going to a university, I feel it's the best decision I made in a long time. My parents are being very support (I love them so much) and a break from school should make me a happier person that's less suicidal. Also hopeful this year off will make me a better student once I go back to school. I've been on burn out for over two years now and I used to be a much better student three years ago. I'd love to be as dedicated to my education as I used to be...

          In the mean time, I'm continuing two of my classes but I'm dropping Art 104. While I put good effort in Design 1 and Basic Photography, I slacked off with my art history class and felt I would fail today's test. By dropping this class, it allows me to focus more on my other classes and my Rayman review. For those wondering what I would be doing for over a year if I'm not in school, I plan to work hard on my review series and treat it like a full time job. If finances get too rough, I would definitely look into getting a normal job. I hope you all understand why I made this very difficult decision and thank you for taking the time to read this message. I really appreciate it.

A Message for Sonic Retro

          It's been over four months since I've been given a permanent ban on Sonic Retro. As much as I hate to admit this (especially since it sounds so goddamn pathetic), I feel like the quality of my life and my overall happiness has decreased since that happened. Prior to my ban, I spent many hours on that site each week. It's one of my favorite sites on the web and I felt like there was much I got out of it. Not only do I find the discussions and community really entertaining, but I learned a lot about the Sonic franchise, found out a ton of gaming news that I otherwise might've never noticed, learned quite a bit about game design, and some of the feedback I got about my Sonic sprite was beyond helpful. Not to mention I made some great friends, including Kaze (AKA Volpino on Retro) who is now one of my best friends. It's unlikely I would've ever met her or any of my other friends from Retro if I was never part of the site.

          Retro became an important part of my life and being thrown out of the community over an incident that occurred on April 21st has created a void in my life that I cannot seem to fill. In these past four months, I've paid attention to more gaming websites and searched for other forums to become part of, yet I can't find a suitable replacement or replacements for Sonic Retro. There's something about that site I just find extremely special. Nearly every other forum I used to be really active on is either dead or offline, so being banned also had the unfortunate side effect of having a forum addict like myself without a forum to really go to. There is Insomniac Flames (which is another site I love), but it's offline so much that its stability is poor and its activity is very inconsistent.

          There's also the issue of how all of this affected my mentality. I'm not a happy person and being banned from Retro hurt my view of myself. Lots of people have tried to convince me it's irrational to think less of myself over my forum ban, but I can't help it. Even though the rule I violated was mostly because of an interpretation of a rule as opposed to its strict wording, I feel like I really fucked up because my common sense is so horrible. Anyone with great common sense probably would've realized what I said could've backfired on me, but my tired self thought what I was saying was fine. Clearly I was wrong. A shame too since I tried to be a good member and had no prior offenses that I know of prior to posting about wanting Sonic 4: Episode II beta torrents. A few weeks after my ban, I did find out from Guess Who that ScaredSun sent me a warning to stop asking for torrents but I never received a pm about the warning or noticed the warning at all. If I saw that warning, I would've immediately stopped asking for torrents of the beta and been extremely careful for the rest of that morning.

          When Sonic Retro's Amnesty Week was announced, I felt this was going to be my only chance to get back on the site. I put a lot of effort into the lyrics I wrote for Amnesty Week (including the fact I rewrote what I had from scratch a few times), but I guess my entry didn't help matters seeing as it's almost two months since I entered it and I'm still a misfit. While I originally kept the lyrics private from the public (because I find the lyrics humiliating), I feel I should include them in this blog entry.

Banned from a forum I love
Over some posts I'm not proud of.
Foolishly asking questions I should not have said,
Should've shown more restraint instead of sticking out my head.

Though my actions weren't ill intended,
I misinterpreted rule sixteen and what it attempted.
You're friendly with SEGA and don't want that destroyed,
By a troublesome poster asking for links to a beta.

While asking for links isn't specifically stated,
Piracy isn't condoned and no linking is mentioned.
Should've gotten the message that asking was implied.
Learned my lesson too late; am I a misfit for life?

I apologize for what I've done,
What I did was pretty dumb.
If I could do it all over again,
I would not have angered the Sun.

This experience has bettered my knowledge of the rules.
Now I understand they're based off of staff interpretation.
If I'm allowed back, I'll be far more careful on what I say.
I'll never break rule sixteen again.

I apologize for what I've done,
What I did was pretty dumb.
If I could do it all over again,
I would not have angered the Sun.

          While I understand there are some serious inconsistencies with the lyrics (mostly involving rhyme), I tried to follow the Amnesty Week guidelines the best I could by striking a balance between showing the message I wanted to send out and trying to make the lyrics not god awful. If one of the staff members could tell me what aspect(s) of these lyrics prevented me from proving myself that I learned my lesson, that would be great because I tried my best to not offend or upset any staff members while still maintaining my sincere honesty of the circumstances.

          My big question to the staff (more specifically ScaredSun) is what do you recommend I do? If it's to give up on ever being allowed back, that will take many, many years. My 2006 ban from the Insomniac Games Forum definitely did not affect me as badly as my ban from Retro yet I didn't really get over that ban until their administration finally unbanned me earlier this year. By then however, the company who created that forum and the community were so different compared to how they were in early 2006 that it doesn't even feel like the same site to me. I'm not even a fan of any games IG made this generation where as I'm still idiotically obsessed with the Sonic franchise and Sonic Retro is hands down the best Sonic site out there for various reasons. It also has one of the only Sonic forums I can find that I like. If a staff member were to dig deep into my history on Retro, the post I made so I could be activated mentioned that I was trying to find a good Sonic forum and wanted to become a member of the community because Sonic Retro seemed like it had a nice site. Little did I realize I would become so attached to the site only to fuck everything up years later...

-William         

Fuck Christianity!

          Not to sound like an asshole but I just don't understand why so many people are religious. Like so many people feel there just has to be some kind of higher power out there but if God created mankind (under the Christian religion), he created a pretty fucked up society. He purposely made us not perfect while also giving us unrealistic expectations that we're supposed to follow while giving people absolutely no proof he even exists. Yet despite there being no proof he exists, a lot of people rely on their religious faith with huge expectations on the afterlife and basing their entire moral structure on what their religion tells them to believe.

          I absolutely hate religion and if God exists as he's portrayed, I fucking hate him. I hate him for creating this horrible society and for his unrealistic expectations that he bestowed onto mankind. I hate him for the massive amount of brainwashing religion has done to critical thinking among many ignorant people who rely on religion to tell them what to think. I hate him for some of the moral teachings I strongly disagree with. I hate him for many things and you should hate him too if you believe in the Bible because God is horrible under how he's portrayed. Yet a lot of people pray to him or "speak" with him as if he's this amazing thing that will make things all better when his record shows he'll probably do jackshit to make your life or anyone else's any better.

          I fucking hate God and religion. I probably shouldn't have made this status update (this was originally posted on Facebook) but I just don't care at the moment. It makes absolutely no sense to me that so many people believe in Christianity when a lot of it sounds like absolute nonsense to me. But of course, expressing that view in that way seems crude and mean. But it's my honest view. I generally try to be nice on the subject of religion, but Christianity makes no sense to me and how that religion dictates a lot of our country's politics absolutely disgusts me. I'm a hardcore liberal who's an agnostic atheist and proud of it. Fuck religion.

          Apologizes to all who are offended by this but I don't see why I shouldn't state views like this on my Facebook page. I constantly see religious status updates acting like there has to be a God and that Christianity is the way to live a moral lifestyle as if my morality is inferior because I don't believe in God which pisses me off. My morality is not perfect and I'm certainly not a great person by any means, but I hate it when a lot of religious people act like you need to believe in God or else your morality will suffer a lot. It's like under the view of many, we need the fear of God in us or else society will go to shit. Well, if society is THAT fucked up, then maybe the higher being that created such a horrible society SHOULDN'T BE FUCKING WORSHIPED!

-William         

I wish I was never born.

I do not like myself or the world I live in and wish I was never part of it. If I had a choice on whether or not I would have ever been born, I would've chosen to never exist but I didn't have that option and neither does anyone else. I understand that I had a pretty decent impact on some people's lives (both positive and negative) but having no impact from never being born sounds a lot better to me since reality fucking sucks and I'm a pathetic human being.

I honestly don't understand why a lot of people like being my friend. I'm a whiny fucking bitch with an unpleasant personality. I generally try to be a nice guy but deep down I can't help but feel like I'm total fucking asshole. I think on the negative constantly and I'm probably way too blunt. While I acknowledge I'm too harsh on myself, I can't help it. I just fucking hate who I am and have for a very long time. I have been trying to improve a lot lately on trying to be less harsh but I somehow managed to hurt my head around ten times (so far) tonight out of pure anger. I rarely hurt my head on purpose anymore yet I totally lost it tonight. At one point, I even hurt my jaw. What the fuck is wrong with me?

While I am an agnostic that leans toward atheism, if it turns out there is a god, fuck you god(s). Fuck you for being responsible for my existence and for creating this rotten planet. I don't care if there is a heave or hell. If I end up burning for these statements someday, so be it. Hell is a pretty horrifying concept and if it exists under how it's portrayed in Christianity, then God is worse than any human being who has walked on the earth for creating such unrealistic expectations in avoiding damnation. Fuck your flawed Christian morals and everything you stand for. If you somehow exist, fuck you God. Fuck you for everything.

Maybe tomorrow (technically today) I'll feel a lot better and feel dumb for even posting this but in meantime, I'm in a pretty bleak headspace and plan to go to bed after writing this since I feel too depressed to do much more tonight other than laying down and trying to sleep. Not to mention my sleep schedule has been trashy lately and really needs to improve. Anyways, goodnight. -_-

-William         

One of my neighbor's wonderful cats...is now dead. R.I.P. Smokey! :(

Oh my god, I just found out my neighbor's cat Smokey died. My idiot neighbor who owned her didn't fix his cats at all and she ended up having a ridiculous amount of kittens which probably killed her. The stupid fucker thinks she just "got old". I doubt she was even three years old and now that cat is fucking dead because that irresponsible asshat didn't take good care of his cats. He probably has over fifteen cats now and I doubt any of them have gotten their shots.

My neighbor's cat Boots (who I adore) is now thin as hell but to my neighbor, Boots is just "getting old". My parents recently started feeding him because we're so damn concerned about the poor cat and Boots is already starting to look better. We're terribly concerned Boots might have feline leukemia and for all we know, Smokey might have died from feline leukemia as well. Fucking hate irresponsible pet owners. Fix your goddamn cats and make sure they get their damn shots. I'm heartbroken that Smokey is dead. R.I.P. Smokey. In memory of her, here's some photos.

A rare photo of Smokey and Nahla together. Both cats were Russian Blues and neither liked each other. Nahla was to the left and Smokey was the cat to the right. This photo was taken in January 2011.

A photo of Smokey pregnant with her first litter alongside Boots. This was taken March 2011.

Taken sometime after giving birth to some wonderful kittens back in May 2011.

Both photos were taken after Smokey had her second litter back in October 2011. Poor cat.

One of the last photos I ever took of her. I took this picture in November 2011. What a beautiful cat she was...

-William         

Consequences from a drunk decision.

Edit: I'm going to need to replace the layout of this blog with something else that works better with large images. For now, I just recommend clicking on the image.

I figure this is worth bringing up.



I had a bad night nine days ago and thanks to that drunk decision, now my rl friends know about my blog and this site. A couple of my rl friends (Nick and Alex) actually read my entire WACHROO blog. While I'm a very open person and Nick already knew about Insomniac Flames, I do feel I lost some sort of outlet because I used to write stuff on my blog solely for my online friends. Nothing against my rl friends and acquaintances, but I do feel like I need to be more careful about what I say for now on. Probably a good thing (especially since I realized that night I hate keeping secrets about myself), but it's just a weird adjustment.

To be honest, I don't really regret linking to my WACHROO blog and Insomniac Flames. I've just become a really open person about myself and don't really care if some rl friends end up getting bothered by what I write on the internet. Up to them if they want to look up stuff about myself. My view is that it's up to them if they want to delve far into my history on the web. No-one's history is perfect. I've had my fair share of good and bad moments, and a lot of those moments are documented on the web.

Edit 2: I decided to remove part of this blog entry due to certain circumstances.

-William          

I haven't been doing well lately.

This blog post was intended and made for my Personal Blog from Insomniac Flames.
Also, Insomniac Flames is currently down so lololololol. Good thing I have WACHROO. >_>

Ever since I made that large blog entry, I've been very mentally unstable. It has taken me a long time to start liking myself but I finally started achieving that earlier this year around January and February. That is partially due to the fact I recently became part of a group of friends. Since a lot of those people have a really high view of me, it has made me feel a lot better about myself.

Lately however, things have been going to fucking shit again. I really hoped my new major would work out but I probably failed my second test in my Fundamental of Programming class and programming is just getting too damn hard for me to be able to figure stuff out. I've also grown to kind of hate programming so clearly my new major was a bust, but worth trying. What really fucking sucks is that I started attending Cal Poly last Fall but dropped out because my Political Science major didn't work out and they wouldn't let me switch to Computer Science. A month before I made my decision to leave the college, congress dicked around people's futures and made it where financial aid now only covers six years of education, not nine. This means there is now no way in hell I'll be able to finish my education without getting into a massive debt since I'm currently in my 4th year of my education...AT FUCKING COMMUNITY COLLEGE!

Late last year, I made a topic on Sonic Retro called "Retro, I'm in a terrible bind with my education." I got some decent advice from one guy. He brought up that since I already have my AA degree, some universities would be willing to accept students even if they're applying under a major different from what they got their AA degree for. Sadly, he told me this the day after the deadline for university signups. What shitty luck. Not much else happened in the thread until many months later. I bumped the topic last week with an explanation about what has happened since then and how my major didn't work out at all. I got a variety of advice and this one from Sonic Retro's site owner was probably the best advice I've gotten since I've bumped the topic.

"I'm actually going to offer the opposite advice from everyone else here: go do a bunch of things you've never done before or never thought you'd be interested in doing. Give yourself permission to go try something you otherwise might not, and just...dick around with new stuff for a while. You'd be surprised what you discover—for instance, I found out last weekend I really enjoy hanging out with old British dudes talking about obscure vehicles and racing down hills. I don't think that would have even occurred to me as a hobby, let alone one that I'd want to do once a month, if I hadn't just tried it on a whim.

Take an African history course! Make a cake or try sewing something! Paint a picture or a house or your face! Go to a protest! Do what the fuck ever crosses your mind as interesting that you haven't done!

People lock themselves into hobbies as identities sometimes, and it can be so freeing to not do what you feel you're "good" at." -Scarred Sun

While good advice, I can't really experiment with classes anymore thanks to congress's changes to financial aid. Then when it comes to other things, I'm definitely going to try to do things outside of my norm (largely to broaden my limited interests) but my current academic situation is quite awful. I have no idea what to do with my future. I want to make video games as a career choice but I'm too terrible at programming for that aspect of game design to work and I don't know what other majors I could go into that would help me get into the gaming industry. I'm mostly interested in things like level design, coming up with level based gimmicky, etc. Unfortunately, positions like that are difficult to gain. While I have more interest in creating indie games than I do in taking part of mainstream video game development, it's kind of hard to make good indie games if you aren't a decent programmer or artist.

Besides just career and academic related stuff, I recently started to think less of my myself again and have been a lot more fragile. This started when I wrote my previous blog entry. Bringing back all of those memories and putting them together in a really large blog entry put some of those things into a different perspective. A very negative, emotionally painful perspective. I hate who I was so much and have made so many awful decisions. I was such an idiot back then and I still feel like a complete fucking moron. A large part of why I've been so fragile is because I feel like such a goddamn idiot all the time and I hate it. Some events that happened a few of days ago have not helped my view of my intelligence.

I am permanently banned from Sonic Retro (unless an admin at Retro changes their mind). I've been posting there for over two years and I don't think I have gotten in trouble with the site staff at all until a recent idiot move on my part. A beta for Sonic 4: Episode 2 leaked early on Steam because either some person at SEGA or Steam fucked up. This made me want to play the beta so I asked some people on the site if they could upload game on torrents or something else. Probably my most memorable post of the bunch was "Great sir, would you be kind enough to upload the game files on a torrent site?" The site owner was not pleased and permanently banned me for asking for torrent files of the beta. While there isn't a written rule in the official rule list explicitly stating that asking for something like that is against the rules, linking to stuff like that is definitely a major rule breaker.

"16. Do not link to final copies of games. Do not link to prototypes before the final game is released.

Under no circumstances should you post links to final copies of games, be they old Genesis games or something that has just come out. We do not condone piracy—period. In regards to prototypes, do not link to prototypes before a game is complete, and as a general rule wait until after a few months. It'll still be there when we can handle it without getting yelled at." -Scarred Sun

With this rule in mind, most people would view it as a "common sense rule" to not ask for things like torrents of an unreleased game but I have garbage common sense. When I was a mod on Insomniac Flames in the past, a large reason why there was such an issue when it came to the "no porn" rule was that I absolutely had to moderate a website in a very black and white fashion when it came to what was and wasn't allowed. Some people felt some of the images I threw in hide tags or links was over censorship. That's probably true, but my common sense was too poor to determine what should've been considered acceptable and I'm still in a similar situation. I rely on what's specifically stated to not be allowed. Unfortunately for me, my poor common sense skills have caused me to be permanently banned from one of my favorite websites on the internet because I suck at following rules that rely on common sense.

The site has brought me a lot of happiness and brings me hours upon hours of entertainment every week. While I can still visit the main site and lurk as a guest (I'm not IP banned), there's several boards I frequent that only registered members can visit and I post there all of the time. I love creating new discussions, taking part in discussions that interest me, and trying to be helpful. For some recent examples, there's one thread I created that inspired four rom hacks and I love giving suggestions in threads on what to do for certain projects.

I also want to create a Sonic fangame. I've found some of the site discussions to be influential and I definitely want to promote whatever I make on Retro. It would feel kind of pointless to bother making a Sonic fangame if I can't even post about it on the only big Sonic forum I've ever cared about. Not to mention the site was also very helpful when it came to help for the sprite in my sig and I was going to post a lot of fangame related sprites so I can get suggestions on how to improve the game's art.

Call it pathetic, but I've been insanely depressed over my permanent ban and it has lowered my view of myself. I feel what has happened just reinforces the fact I'm a complete moron. The fact my stupidity has caused me to get permanently banned from the website has made me so fucking mad that it makes me go to places in my head where I want to die simply because I hate being so goddamn dumb. I got so goddamn angry while talking to snake last night that there was one instance where I totally lost control and punched my skull four times really hard. I used to hurt my head all of the time as a way to deal with shit as a punishment toward myself. I have not done something like that in a really long time so I'm very mad that even happened.

While I thought I got rid of most of my strong suicidal desires that I gained last December, a lot of those tendencies started to come back on the week I made my previous blog entry. By Sunday night of that week (I consider Monday the start of every week), I was in such a fucked up state that I felt like I could barely function. I turned off my computer to work on homework, but all I did afterwards was sit in my chair for 90 minutes. I spent that time staring at a wall, shook a bit, and went in a sort of mental rage over how much I hate who I am. For reference, that was the day a bunch of you guys teased me with your "wacist" jokes. I was very fragile that day and not feeling myself. The jokes didn't help.

When I was at my most suicidal last December, I felt so bad for snake. When I admitted to him that I was "seriously considering suicide" sometime before he was going to go to bed, he cancelled going to work that day and some other plans to spend around six hours trying to talk me out of killing myself. Since my mom was going to be out of town, I planned on going to a local train station that weekend and letting a train destroy my skull. I figured the chance of survival would be low so it seemed like a good idea to me. Thankfully, snake talked me out of it at the time.

The only people I originally talked to on IMs about it were just snake and Kaze because I didn't feel like telling anyone else that I desired death. Since I was feeling desperate however, I did make a post about it on Retro in a topic about suicide. I'd quote what I said, but I can't since I'm banned and can't access the topic in Firefox's offline mode. I don't remember the details, but I remember posting my plan on how I wanted to kill myself and essentially asked them for advice on my situation. If Insomniac Flames was online, would I have posted about it? I don't know. A large reason why I began to view my intelligence in such a low light was because of some people from this community. In the past, I've taken a lot of insults very literally. It generally doesn't bug me and it often makes me laugh, but it can affect me a lot worse when I'm in a less stable state or when I'm constantly being reminded that I'm a fucking idiot. In other words, you guys sometimes made me feel like shit about myself.

I honestly don't know what to do. I'm so mentally unstable that I could want nothing but death, but then feel somewhat normal an hour later. Part of me just wants to give up and end my life. Another part of me really wants to make something of myself and do things worth being remembered for. I feel very conflicted and not well in the head. I originally started going to counseling when I was attending Cal Poly, but that ended sometime before I began to view suicide as a viable option. Personally, I didn't find the professional help all that helpful but I only saw the person about 3 or 4 times.

Just to give you guys an idea of how fucked I am in the head, last night I thought of possibly going someplace obscure and slitting my throat. If that failed to kill me, just wait for my body to die from not drinking enough liquids. Maybe I'm being over dramatic but that suicide plan seemed like a good alternative to my previous plan when I thought about that option. Hopefully I won't make a stupid decision like that someday, but who knows when I'm in a state like that. I'm fucking nuts.

-William