I'm having a mental breakdown tonight.

 

I was hoping to create cool pixel art for Pixel Day 2023 on Newgrounds, but I was extremely sick last night and it set back my mindset by quite a bit. For those who don't know, I suffer with a 24/7 migraine. There were eras of my life where headache pain was so bad that I would scream for hours in my bedroom. That has not happened to me in years, but it happened to me last night.

I feel like the more I try to live my life like I'm still in my mid twenties, the more I suffer in my mid thirties. I enjoyed alcohol more in January of this year than the entirety of 2022. Enjoying alcohol boosted my mental health by quite a bit because I'm an addict. I regularly want my brain to go from a 0 to a 1.

If I'm not doing recreational drugs, I'm often doing stuff like consuming sugar and other stuff to get my brain to function a certain way. It's a problem. I need to learn how to live a 100% drug free life without any drugs, including alcohol, sugar, and caffeine.

My energy levels are so bad that I'm thinking about quitting weight lifting at gyms. Whenever I do intensive workouts, I'm extremely hungry. After I eat, my brain hardly works well anymore and all I want to do is sleep for extremely long hours. My body handles food so badly nowadays that I might have to become someone who fasts all the time because eating seems to kill most of my physical and mental energy in my mid thirties.

I try to live like I'm in my mid twenties and it does not work well at all anymore. I look at beautiful people on social media and it makes me want to weight lift like crazy, but a lot of fitness social media influencers do this for a living. Their life is workout, eat good quality food, and get eight hours of sleep. I cannot do that. My body is a mess plagued by chronic health issues.

The more I compare myself to other people, the more I want to self harm, which is a huge problem. It's one of the reasons why I took the black pill. I cannot compare myself to others without going insane. All I can do is compare myself to who I was yesterday. It's unrealistic for me to compare myself to who I was when I was way younger because I'm not that person anymore. My body is different. I want to be this ultra healthy sexy person, but health and finance issues cause me a ton of problems.

Part of why I want to become an ultra healthy sexy person is because the male sex drive drives my brain to insanity. Like my sex drive is way higher in my thirties than it was in my teenage years and twenties, but I don't want to deal with consequences to sexual behavior. I wish the animal brain part of me was non-functional so my mind could stay focused on stuff that's more important. I hate that my mind is constantly consumed by lust.

What also drives me insane is the inflation we are experiencing right now. It has become unaffordable for most people to live a quality life without family support. We are creating a society where someone either needs to be high income or a workaholic just to be independent. California as a state has gone downhill when it comes to affordability. I'm extremely depressed and I feel like I need to become someone who rejects much of who I used to be in order for me to survive long-term.

Getting older is horrible because the human body ages like shit. We can only take so many hits. I struggle to deal with reality on a regular basis. I wish I could enjoy drugs every day to escape from reality, but that would lead to self destruction. I'm too self aware of consequences to live my life the way I want to live it because I don't want to ruin my future.

 

 

Why I Took the Black Pill

Whenever I look up black pill content on YouTube, a lot of the people who make this type of content seem about as miserable as it gets. So for me to admit that I took the black pill is not something I take pride in, but to be completely blunt, I have no hope for the future. I keep lying to myself in hopes that I can transform into an optimistic happy person, but the reality is that I am so miserable that I self harmed myself more times in 2022 than any other year of my life. A lot of this is because I took the black pill.

What is the black pill? A lot of different news outlets and YouTubers have completely different answers. For me personally, it's a form of acceptance that the world is horrible and reality sucks. To be more explicit, I have noticed taking the black pill can apply to both dating and politics. I'll start off with politics. Our elections are rigged. Like our entire political system is designed to waste our time and energy. I wasted years of my life caring about politics because I was so propagandized. People want to believe things that are not true because it makes life more tolerable for them. I'm no exception to this.

So how is our election system rigged? The United States of America has over 300 million people, yet once every four years, we are always given two abysmal options for the most powerful job position in America. That's by design. The system is designed to give us horrible candidates because it was rigged by the two party system. The political primaries in the United States of America are also rigged. The best example I can give is the 2016 Democratic primary election. Hillary Clinton's campaign bribed the Democratic National Committee to rig the process so she can be the nominee of the Democratic party in 2016. It backfired. People discovered this information from WikiLeaks in 2016. It's the reason why Debbie Wasserman Schultz had to resign from her position as Chair of the Democratic National Committee. Even Senator Elizabeth Warren admitted that the 2016 Democratic primary election was rigged. There is so much information on the internet documenting the corruption from that election. The only reason why we have this much evidence of that election being rigged is because of leaked information we normally would never see in a million years. How many other elections in this country have been rigged? Probably quite a bit, but we will never know the true answer.

Whenever a politician running for office says that they will start a political revolution, they are lying. We will never achieve a political revolution through elections because our elections are rigged. All the partisan hatred people have for each other is a distraction from how much the people in power are screwing us. These people do not care about you. They do not know who you are. You are just a statistic to them. The system will never be reformed to our benefit. That's one of the reasons why I support destroying the system we have. I want to see the end of the United States of America. This is a horrible country run by horrible people. The wrong people are always in power. This is not going to change unless the system is changed, which is unlikely to happen unless the system is destroyed.

How do we destroy the system? I don't know. Like realistically speaking, I don't have an answer of how we can destroy a system that is designed to be a rigged system. Some people would suggest violence as an answer to combat state violence, but I don't see a positive outcome in that. The most peaceful solution I can offer is to create art and entertainment that influences people. Influence has a lot of power. Most of our entertainment is created with the mindset of maximizing profit, rather than to create art with a clear purpose. That's one reason why I like Newgrounds. Newgrounds is one of the only social media platforms I can think of that actually cares about artists. YouTube does not care about artists, they care about money. With how bad things have gotten in real life and online, we are very fortunate that Newgrounds still exists in 2023.

Now the other part of the black pill. There are a lot of black pill channels on YouTube focused on dating. While I think a lot of rhetoric from these channels are misogynistic and relies on gender stereotypes, the reason why these channels exist is because the amount of people giving up on dating keeps increasing. A lot of people are trying to cope with the fact many of them will never be in a loving relationship for a wide variety of reasons. The biggest failure of these channels is the ego of their content creators. They try to emphasis an answer of sorts to explain why modern dating went poorly for so many people. Why dating does not work out for a lot of people does not have a one size fits all answer. If you look at divorce statistics, it's clear to me that it's insanely difficult for most people to remain married for most of their lives. A lot of collective ideals do not work well for many Americans, especially in a CULTure that is becoming increasingly more individualist and less collectivist. That's part of why so many people cheat on their partners.

The human race has a long history of people not getting along very well. It's part of why war has been such a huge problem through human history. A lot of people lack healthy coping skills and/or they have social deficiencies that make it more difficult to form a healthy long-term relationship. None of us are robots. People are complicated and often times don't even know what they truly want in life. Sometimes what people want in life changes with age. Two people in their twenties might have high compatibility with each other partially because of physical attraction. Unfortunately, a lot of couples that are highly attracted to each other in their twenties might become physically repulsed by each other in their sixties because the human body ages like shit. It's horrifying how ugly people get with age. Many relationships cannot survive once physical attraction is dead. It's unrealistic to assume a couple that gets married in their twenties will still look good in old age. People change a lot over the course of their lifetime, both physically and mentally.

The consequences to two people being attracted to each other in a short period of time can lead to long-term permanent consequences, especially if a couple reproduces. For me personally, there has never been a part of me that desired marriage or children, but most people, including myself, are biologically programmed to want sex. Sex is one of the most consequential decisions a human being can make in their lifetime. I struggle badly with mental illness to where I do not want my genetics spread under any circumstance. Under the wrong set of circumstances, who knows what could happen with my genetics if I reproduced? Like what if my great great great great grandchild grew up to become the next Hitler? That could happen. When I am at my absolute worst, my mindset is psychotic and selfish. My genetics can never be spread under any circumstance. I will probably die a virgin because I am horrified by the potential consequences to sex. Sex has scared me from a young age, yet people have mocked me for my fear of sex throughout my life. It's one of the reasons why I think much of our population lacks foresight into how specific decisions can ruin a person's life.

It's impossible for someone to disaster proof their life, but they can make decisions to reduce the likelihood of horrible outcomes. For example, I'm a 33 year old man who still does not know how to drive. If I was a driver, it's possible I could experience a car crash in my lifetime. I don't want to take the risk of experiencing something like that, so I chose to not drive, which is difficult in a location with lousy public transit. Much of my life choices are a byproduct of fear. One thing I miss about my wild partying days is that it was a short term period of my life where I had the power of liquid courage, but after one night where I passed out drunk at a bonfire in 2014, I became way more careful with alcohol consumption. I feel like I'm the type of person who needs something that cognitively impairs me in order for me to make a lot of decisions that scare me.

So with all of this in mind, I don't really see myself ever dating at any point in my lifetime largely because reality terrifies me. One night of fun can ruin a person's entire life. Not only am I not relationship material, but the older I get, the uglier I feel as a human being. I take selfies all the time, but I rarely post them online because I genuinely find myself hideous. I hate how the human body ages and I don't like how I look. I probably felt the most comfortable in my own skin when I was a child in the '90s. I never really liked how I looked as an adult. I also don't like the whole fake it 'til you make it mindset where people fake who they are to attract a potential partner. Even if that results in short-term pleasure, it almost never ends well. I want to be myself and nothing else. If being myself means I'm single my entire life, so be it. I took the black pill and I'm not ashamed of my decision.

          

Both photos were taken on December 8th, 2022.

What Happened in 8 Years

It's been 8 years since the last time I made a post for my blog on BlogSpot. A lot happened and I'm a very different person from who I was in 2010 through 2015. I currently find a lot of rhetoric from my W.A.C.'s House of Rants and Other Oddities blog (AKA WACHROO) to be very disturbing. It's also worth mentioning I no longer go by the handle W.A.C. or WAC anymore. I feel like my online persona as W.A.C. and WAC eventually got so toxic that I would rather go by my real name on social media platforms, but I have zero interest in purging my past. I'm proud of the fact I was willing to say so many unpopular things throughout most of my life and not care if people got offended. In a society that is increasingly becoming more fake with manufactured authenticity, looking at my old blog post is refreshing to me. Like sure, I find some of the rhetoric disturbing, but it makes it more difficult for me to form nostalgic REMEMBER WHEN type of scenarios in my head when I have digital evidence of my lack of happiness. Sometimes I am horrified by stuff I said or what people said to me when I lurk Wayback Machine for old forum posts.

So what happened in 8 years? I began to attend San Jose State University AKA SJSU in January 2015. It didn't go anywhere near as well as I hoped it would largely because of health issues and finances. My Fall 2015 semester was negatively impacted by the prescription drugs I was on at the time and I had to cancel every class I took in Spring 2016 because my physical health became such a disaster. I don't trust the medical industry at all after how they negatively impacted my life. Topirimate in particular is the worst drug I have ever tried in my lifetime. I told my doctor to not prescribe me anything that would negatively impact my education, yet he prescribed me a medication known to cause brain damage. Cognitively, I don't feel I have ever been the same since I have done that drug. I told a bay area doctor known as Dr. Timothy Ong that I didn't like how the medication was affecting me, but he told me it would work eventually and that I need to keep taking it. I think a normal dosage is about 25MG, yet he prescribed me 200MG twice per day at some point in 2016 while I was also prescribed to Norco. It was a disaster and the rebound headaches I experienced after quitting Norco was some of the worst pain I experienced in my lifetime. It's ironic because I started taking prescription drugs to deal with my 24/7 migraine, but all the medications did was to make the situation a million times worse. I suffered so much in my twenties and it wrecked my outlook on life for that decade.

My 27th birthday was October 24th, 2016, so I experienced most of my late twenties in the late 2010's. My physical health sucked so bad back then to where I struggled to do much of anything with my life. I completed a few freelance assignments and that was about it in terms of work. However, a lot of my friends were doing well in that time period to where I socialized a lot. I used to hang out with friends every week. Throughout most of my twenties, I put a lot of effort into being a social person, which is good because relying on the internet for a social life has major drawbacks. I love that I have a lot of awesome online friends and irl friends. I did ruin a ton of friendships in my twenties and at 30 years old in 2020, but my friendships right now seem very stable. I think part of that is because I treat people with more respect nowadays compared to some of my bad behavior in the past. However, I'm not ashamed of my past bad behavior and I live without shame. Human beings are meant to make mistakes and learn from their failures. It's just part of being human. I did not accept being human when I was younger.

 

For much of my life, I had idealized versions of myself that I failed to achieve because who I wanted to be was not human. I think that's part of why I became so obsessed with political ideology. I tried different political ideologies like hats. In particular, my politics began to shift away from left-wing politics and more towards libertarian politics in 2019. This is largely because I realized I fell for Democratic party propaganda for most of my life. America produces some of the most effective propaganda in the world. The two party system in particular has really damaged people's perception of political issues. Neither of the major two political parties will ever represent your interests or my interests. They are big tent parties that rigged our political system to their benefit. I simped hard for the Libertarian party in 2020 and 2021, but I no longer trust any political party in America after the Mises caucus hijacked the Libertarian party in 2022. I don't like attaching a political label to myself anymore because I don't like being stereotyped, but I view myself as an anti-statist because I prefer to live in a world without government. I also view myself as an anti-theist because I prefer to live in a world without religion. My hatred for Christianity was more extreme when I was younger, but I still hate religion. I can't help it. I wish people would think for themselves, rather than seek out collectives to tell them how to think and behave. I made the horrible mistake of trading religion with politics when I was younger, then treating my old liberal political views like a religious philosophy. I think most people can't deal with being alone, so they alter their personality because they care too much about what other people think of them. I feel like too many atheists fill the void of no religion with politics. Being a political agnostic, then later a political atheist when I was younger did not make me any happier or more fulfilled. It's a waste of my time and energy to invest so much of myself into politics unless that energy is used for artistic pursuits. Our electoral process is rigged against anybody who does not support the Democratic or Republican parties. I hate both political parties equally.

My early thirties was one of the ugliest time periods of my life. The pandemic began when I was 30 years old and it brought me to insanity. I developed an unhealthy addiction to pornography to cope with reality, which made reality more difficult for me to deal with. The only upside to watching so much porn in my early thirties is that it inspired me to put more effort into weight lifting. Watching beautiful men and women fuck each other for entertainment inspired me to want my body to become more beautiful. I also found it easier to lift weights for hours if I'm watching adult entertainment while lifting weights. lololololololol I'm more physically fit than I was for the vast majority of my life, but I still struggle with a ton of chronic health issues. I also don't like the aging process at all. Like the more muscle I build, it doesn't really make me any happier. The older I get, the more ugly I feel when I look at a mirror. I fully accept that I will eventually become an ugly old man. That's just life. I'll still put a ton of effort into fitness for the rest of my life, but I'm not delusional enough to believe I'll ever look as good as I want to look. I'm going to give the NO FAP trend a try in 2023 largely because I don't like some of the effects porn addiction had on my life. I don't have interest in dating outside of lust and I've seen too many people wreck their lives as a byproduct of horny couples enjoying their sexuality. I hate human sexuality largely because I never want to deal with consequences to sex, which is obnoxious because my sex drive is way higher in my thirties than it ever was in my teenage years or twenties. Nearly every day, my body is practically screaming to me, YOU NEED SEX! I hate it, but there isn't much I can do about it that wouldn't have negative outcomes toward my life.

The isolation of the pandemic negatively impacted my social life. A lot of my friends moved further away from me and hardly anyone I know in this area lives on their own anymore unless they are a monogamous couple with a dual income. Trying to make new friends is unappealing because I wish I could hang out with my current friends more often, but it's difficult with the craziness of the pandemic. I feel like I aged a ton during this pandemic because of all the stress I experienced. I lost tolerance for people treating me like shit in 2020 because I don't have the energy to deal with stuff like that anymore. One unfortunate aspect to youth is that we often waste a lot of our energy on dumb stuff that is a waste of time. The vast majority of social drama someone deals with in their twenties will be irrelevant to their lives when they get older.

One hobby I took up during the pandemic is speedrunning. I enjoyed multiplayer gaming way more than single player gaming in my twenties, but since I was more isolated during the pandemic, I played single player games more often. I had interest in the hobby of speedrunning for a long time, but I never committed myself to it until 2020 when I began to speedrun Sonic Advance 2. I love that game and I plan to continue making video content about it in the future. YouTube is one of my biggest priorities right now. I enjoy making videos for the platform, especially ever since I bought a new computer in 2021 with the Biden stimulus money. A lot of stuff I wanted to do on a computer for most of my adulthood, I can finally do it and I'm doing everything I can to become a great content creator. The video I released in 2022 that I'm the most proud of is called Sonic Origins: Game Facts Special. My next video for that channel will be the most ambitious video I have ever made. That brings me a lot of hope for my future since I have wanted to make great quality video entertainment for much of my life. The Sonic Origins video only took me three weeks to make, where as the current video I'm working on has been in development since September 2022.

Thank you to everyone who took time out of your day to read this blog post. If you would like me to make more blog posts on WACHROO, let me know. Currently a lot of images from my WACHROO blog are broken, which I plan to fix in the future. I also made a lot of blog posts on Newgrounds during the pandemic. While I prefer making blog posts for Newgrounds over BlogSpot, it feels good to post something under the wac89 handle. I take pride in that I'm willing to use my real name nowadays, but I also miss having more anonymity. Merging my online and irl life in 2010 by making a Facebook account was weird for me. I feel like I lost a lot of my past self when I made that decision, but human beings aren't meant to be stagnant.

Unhappy Fucking New Years!

          If I were to be blunt, about the only reason I never killed myself is because of how it would negatively affect others. Not a day goes by in the last two years where I didn't wish I was dead. I absolutely despise the human race and this shitty fucking country, and wish it would be abolished. I fantasize about death on a daily basis, whether it be my future death or just morbid thoughts of death in general...which is probably a good indication of why every game I want to make someday would be extremely violent. I'm the type of person that's disappointed whenever I hear abortion rates are going down. Why? Because I'm the type of person that want those rates to rise. The more abortions, the better. I don't know if a fetus is a life or potential for life, but if it is considered a life, I'm glad. Because then every abortion is the termination of a living baby and that sounds great to me.

          So why am I saying these horrible things? Because some people think I'm easy to offend. This has happened repeatedly this year and I'm not sure what to do about it. Anyone who knows me well knows I'm like a brick wall when it comes to offending me. Yet lots of people who don't know me well assume I'm the fucking opposite. Do I come across as the squeamish type to strangers? Is it my feminine/flamboyant traits that make some people assume I'm a pansy? Is it the fact I suffer from depression? I have no clue. Do I need to start wearing offensive t-shirts like a shirt with the twin towers falling down with the caption, "HA HA EXPLOSIONS!"? Do I need to purposely make myself out to be a total asshole to anyone that hardly knows me? Am I not vulgar enough? What the FUCKING HELL?

          Maybe someday I'll offend some prideful schmuck and he'll fucking shoot me because he doesn't like what I have to say. If that were to happen, I hope it kills me because then I wouldn't have to deal with society anymore. I'm certainly never going to kill myself, but while I'm on this shitty planet, I might as well attempt to make the best of my lousy existence. But at least I'm useful at times and will aim to achieve my "realistic" dreams instead of being all, "bah hum bog, that's too hard", and accomplishment nothing worthwhile.

          If your view of me was hurt from this status update or you now have a negative view of me, good. Because I'll take that any day over someone thinking the stupidest remarks will hurt my wittle feelings. Quite honestly, I'm not sure if I would identify myself as a horrible person because I generally define those people by their actions, not their opinions. But if I am a horrible person, I am proud of it. Because despite my many faults, I am proud of who I am. I may be potentially psychopathic and severely depressed, but I've worked hard to be where I am today. Granted, I'll probably die alone but I accept that, because I'd rather be who I want to be than be more traditionally attractive or decent as a human being. Unhappy fucking New Years everyone! Unhappy fucking New Years!

-W.A.C.          

My top ten most listened to artists in 2012 for overall song plays...wait, it almost 2014.

I meant to make this post in early January and forgot.

1. Lily Allen (1,229 plays)
2. Genesis (1,130 plays)
3. Naofumi Hataya (449 plays)
4. Rémi Gazel & VA (448 plays)
5. Gotye (404 plays)
6. Masafumi Ogata (319 plays)
7. Richard Jacques (288 plays)
8. Jun Senoue (258 plays)
9. Secret Chiefs 3 (230 plays)
10. Daft Punk (214 plays)

Quite honestly, I didn't care to write about it so I forgot to make this post. But it's less than six hours before the new year so I might as well post it now. Just looking over this list, it's clear I listened to a lot of video game music that year. Only reason I have so many plays for Rémi Gazel & VA is because of an hour long soundtrack to Rayman 1 that has 73 tracks. >_> I also listened to a lot of Lily Allen and Genesis.

Some Revealing Confessions Part 1

I don't look forward to my future, but I look forward to entertainment.

Without technology, I would have little reason to live.

A lot of the time I look happy and laughing, deep down a part of me just wants to fucking die.

Suicide is on my mind constantly.

I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder Moderate, without Psychotic Features.

I'm sick of people suggesting medication (or substances) to deal with my depression.

Most of the time I drink alcohol or eat pepperoni pizza, I'm filled with guilt the next day.

This is because my view of drugs is very negative and I view eating meat as immoral.

Yet I'm the absolute happiest and carefree when I'm drunk.

But that's partially because alcohol exaggerates my emotions to the extreme.

The other reason is that Drunk William generally doesn't care about many things.

Sober William, on the other hand, is bothered by a lot of things.

Whenever someone I know lies to benefit in some way, it sickens me (with few exceptions).

I'm far more judgmental of others than people realize, but I'm the harshest toward myself.

I aim to be a "decent person", but I view myself rottenly.

Telling me I'm a "good person" is likely to piss me off.

You have absolutely no idea how rotten my mentality can get.

Humans are cruel and I'm no exception.

I hate being human and I hate existence.

I despise the human sex drive and hormones.

Abortions should be more socially acceptable.

I wish I was aborted.

I wish I was never born.

I wish I wasn't alive.

...

But I'm stuck here.

And I'll be stuck here for a long, long, long time...

Living an undesirable future in a world I'd like an escape from.

I don't look forward to my future and hopefully you now have some insight as to why.

Sorry for worrying so many of you, but holding this all in would strengthen my desire to die.

-William         

Future Plans

This message was made for both my blog and my Facebook account.

          I made an important decision last night that will have a major impact to my academic future. I'm taking a year off from school. I've been going to college for almost five years now and I need a break from the stress of school for the sake of my sanity. I've been dealing with massive depression issues for over a year and half and my education has been a major factor in that. Not to worry you guys, but suicidal urges are nearly a daily struggle for me. It terrifies me and needs to be dealt with. I feel bad whenever I mention stuff like that on Facebook but honesty and openness helps me a lot in tackling problems.

          While this decision will delay my plans of going to a university, I feel it's the best decision I made in a long time. My parents are being very support (I love them so much) and a break from school should make me a happier person that's less suicidal. Also hopeful this year off will make me a better student once I go back to school. I've been on burn out for over two years now and I used to be a much better student three years ago. I'd love to be as dedicated to my education as I used to be...

          In the mean time, I'm continuing two of my classes but I'm dropping Art 104. While I put good effort in Design 1 and Basic Photography, I slacked off with my art history class and felt I would fail today's test. By dropping this class, it allows me to focus more on my other classes and my Rayman review. For those wondering what I would be doing for over a year if I'm not in school, I plan to work hard on my review series and treat it like a full time job. If finances get too rough, I would definitely look into getting a normal job. I hope you all understand why I made this very difficult decision and thank you for taking the time to read this message. I really appreciate it.