Thursday, January 1, 2015

Unhappy Fucking New Years!

          If I were to be blunt, about the only reason I never killed myself is because of how it would negatively affect others. Not a day goes by in the last two years where I didn't wish I was dead. I absolutely despise the human race and this shitty fucking country, and wish it would be abolished. I fantasize about death on a daily basis, whether it be my future death or just morbid thoughts of death in general...which is probably a good indication of why every game I want to make someday would be extremely violent. I'm the type of person that's disappointed whenever I hear abortion rates are going down. Why? Because I'm the type of person that want those rates to rise. The more abortions, the better. I don't know if a fetus is a life or potential for life, but if it is considered a life, I'm glad. Because then every abortion is the termination of a living baby and that sounds great to me.

          So why am I saying these horrible things? Because some people think I'm easy to offend. This has happened repeatedly this year and I'm not sure what to do about it. Anyone who knows me well knows I'm like a brick wall when it comes to offending me. Yet lots of people who don't know me well assume I'm the fucking opposite. Do I come across as the squeamish type to strangers? Is it my feminine/flamboyant traits that make some people assume I'm a pansy? Is it the fact I suffer from depression? I have no clue. Do I need to start wearing offensive t-shirts like a shirt with the twin towers falling down with the caption, "HA HA EXPLOSIONS!"? Do I need to purposely make myself out to be a total asshole to anyone that hardly knows me? Am I not vulgar enough? What the FUCKING HELL?

          Maybe someday I'll offend some prideful schmuck and he'll fucking shoot me because he doesn't like what I have to say. If that were to happen, I hope it kills me because then I wouldn't have to deal with society anymore. I'm certainly never going to kill myself, but while I'm on this shitty planet, I might as well attempt to make the best of my lousy existence. But at least I'm useful at times and will aim to achieve my "realistic" dreams instead of being all, "bah hum bog, that's too hard", and accomplishment nothing worthwhile.

          If your view of me was hurt from this status update or you now have a negative view of me, good. Because I'll take that any day over someone thinking the stupidest remarks will hurt my wittle feelings. Quite honestly, I'm not sure if I would identify myself as a horrible person because I generally define those people by their actions, not their opinions. But if I am a horrible person, I am proud of it. Because despite my many faults, I am proud of who I am. I may be potentially psychopathic and severely depressed, but I've worked hard to be where I am today. Granted, I'll probably die alone but I accept that, because I'd rather be who I want to be than be more traditionally attractive or decent as a human being. Unhappy fucking New Years everyone! Unhappy fucking New Years!


Tuesday, December 31, 2013

My top ten most listened to artists in 2012 for overall song plays...wait, it almost 2014.

I meant to make this post in early January and forgot.

1. Lily Allen (1,229 plays)
2. Genesis (1,130 plays)
3. Naofumi Hataya (449 plays)
4. Rémi Gazel & VA (448 plays)
5. Gotye (404 plays)
6. Masafumi Ogata (319 plays)
7. Richard Jacques (288 plays)
8. Jun Senoue (258 plays)
9. Secret Chiefs 3 (230 plays)
10. Daft Punk (214 plays)

Quite honestly, I didn't care to write about it so I forgot to make this post. But it's less than six hours before the new year so I might as well post it now. Just looking over this list, it's clear I listened to a lot of video game music that year. Only reason I have so many plays for Rémi Gazel & VA is because of an hour long soundtrack to Rayman 1 that has 73 tracks. >_> I also listened to a lot of Lily Allen and Genesis.

Monday, April 15, 2013

Some Revealing Confessions Part 1

I don't look forward to my future, but I look forward to entertainment.

Without technology, I would have little reason to live.

A lot of the time I look happy and laughing, deep down a part of me just wants to fucking die.

Suicide is on my mind constantly.

I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder Moderate, without Psychotic Features.

I'm sick of people suggesting medication (or substances) to deal with my depression.

Most of the time I drink alcohol or eat pepperoni pizza, I'm filled with guilt the next day.

This is because my view of drugs is very negative and I view eating meat as immoral.

Yet I'm the absolute happiest and carefree when I'm drunk.

But that's partially because alcohol exaggerates my emotions to the extreme.

The other reason is that Drunk William generally doesn't care about many things.

Sober William, on the other hand, is bothered by a lot of things.

Whenever someone I know lies to benefit in some way, it sickens me (with few exceptions).

I'm far more judgmental of others than people realize, but I'm the harshest toward myself.

I aim to be a "decent person", but I view myself rottenly.

Telling me I'm a "good person" is likely to piss me off.

You have absolutely no idea how rotten my mentality can get.

Humans are cruel and I'm no exception.

I hate being human and I hate existence.

I despise the human sex drive and hormones.

Abortions should be more socially acceptable.

I wish I was aborted.

I wish I was never born.

I wish I wasn't alive.


But I'm stuck here.

And I'll be stuck here for a long, long, long time...

Living an undesirable future in a world I'd like an escape from.

I don't look forward to my future and hopefully you now have some insight as to why.

Sorry for worrying so many of you, but holding this all in would strengthen my desire to die.


Tuesday, February 26, 2013

Future Plans

This message was made for both my blog and my Facebook account.

          I made an important decision last night that will have a major impact to my academic future. I'm taking a year off from school. I've been going to college for almost five years now and I need a break from the stress of school for the sake of my sanity. I've been dealing with massive depression issues for over a year and half and my education has been a major factor in that. Not to worry you guys, but suicidal urges are nearly a daily struggle for me. It terrifies me and needs to be dealt with. I feel bad whenever I mention stuff like that on Facebook but honesty and openness helps me a lot in tackling problems.

          While this decision will delay my plans of going to a university, I feel it's the best decision I made in a long time. My parents are being very support (I love them so much) and a break from school should make me a happier person that's less suicidal. Also hopeful this year off will make me a better student once I go back to school. I've been on burn out for over two years now and I used to be a much better student three years ago. I'd love to be as dedicated to my education as I used to be...

          In the mean time, I'm continuing two of my classes but I'm dropping Art 104. While I put good effort in Design 1 and Basic Photography, I slacked off with my art history class and felt I would fail today's test. By dropping this class, it allows me to focus more on my other classes and my Rayman review. For those wondering what I would be doing for over a year if I'm not in school, I plan to work hard on my review series and treat it like a full time job. If finances get too rough, I would definitely look into getting a normal job. I hope you all understand why I made this very difficult decision and thank you for taking the time to read this message. I really appreciate it.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

A Message for Sonic Retro

          It's been over four months since I've been given a permanent ban on Sonic Retro. As much as I hate to admit this (especially since it sounds so goddamn pathetic), I feel like the quality of my life and my overall happiness has decreased since that happened. Prior to my ban, I spent many hours on that site each week. It's one of my favorite sites on the web and I felt like there was much I got out of it. Not only do I find the discussions and community really entertaining, but I learned a lot about the Sonic franchise, found out a ton of gaming news that I otherwise might've never noticed, learned quite a bit about game design, and some of the feedback I got about my Sonic sprite was beyond helpful. Not to mention I made some great friends, including Kaze (AKA Volpino on Retro) who is now one of my best friends. It's unlikely I would've ever met her or any of my other friends from Retro if I was never part of the site.

          Retro became an important part of my life and being thrown out of the community over an incident that occurred on April 21st has created a void in my life that I cannot seem to fill. In these past four months, I've paid attention to more gaming websites and searched for other forums to become part of, yet I can't find a suitable replacement or replacements for Sonic Retro. There's something about that site I just find extremely special. Nearly every other forum I used to be really active on is either dead or offline, so being banned also had the unfortunate side effect of having a forum addict like myself without a forum to really go to. There is Insomniac Flames (which is another site I love), but it's offline so much that its stability is poor and its activity is very inconsistent.

          There's also the issue of how all of this affected my mentality. I'm not a happy person and being banned from Retro hurt my view of myself. Lots of people have tried to convince me it's irrational to think less of myself over my forum ban, but I can't help it. Even though the rule I violated was mostly because of an interpretation of a rule as opposed to its strict wording, I feel like I really fucked up because my common sense is so horrible. Anyone with great common sense probably would've realized what I said could've backfired on me, but my tired self thought what I was saying was fine. Clearly I was wrong. A shame too since I tried to be a good member and had no prior offenses that I know of prior to posting about wanting Sonic 4: Episode II beta torrents. A few weeks after my ban, I did find out from Guess Who that ScaredSun sent me a warning to stop asking for torrents but I never received a pm about the warning or noticed the warning at all. If I saw that warning, I would've immediately stopped asking for torrents of the beta and been extremely careful for the rest of that morning.

          When Sonic Retro's Amnesty Week was announced, I felt this was going to be my only chance to get back on the site. I put a lot of effort into the lyrics I wrote for Amnesty Week (including the fact I rewrote what I had from scratch a few times), but I guess my entry didn't help matters seeing as it's almost two months since I entered it and I'm still a misfit. While I originally kept the lyrics private from the public (because I find the lyrics humiliating), I feel I should include them in this blog entry.

Banned from a forum I love
Over some posts I'm not proud of.
Foolishly asking questions I should not have said,
Should've shown more restraint instead of sticking out my head.

Though my actions weren't ill intended,
I misinterpreted rule sixteen and what it attempted.
You're friendly with SEGA and don't want that destroyed,
By a troublesome poster asking for links to a beta.

While asking for links isn't specifically stated,
Piracy isn't condoned and no linking is mentioned.
Should've gotten the message that asking was implied.
Learned my lesson too late; am I a misfit for life?

I apologize for what I've done,
What I did was pretty dumb.
If I could do it all over again,
I would not have angered the Sun.

This experience has bettered my knowledge of the rules.
Now I understand they're based off of staff interpretation.
If I'm allowed back, I'll be far more careful on what I say.
I'll never break rule sixteen again.

I apologize for what I've done,
What I did was pretty dumb.
If I could do it all over again,
I would not have angered the Sun.

          While I understand there are some serious inconsistencies with the lyrics (mostly involving rhyme), I tried to follow the Amnesty Week guidelines the best I could by striking a balance between showing the message I wanted to send out and trying to make the lyrics not god awful. If one of the staff members could tell me what aspect(s) of these lyrics prevented me from proving myself that I learned my lesson, that would be great because I tried my best to not offend or upset any staff members while still maintaining my sincere honesty of the circumstances.

          My big question to the staff (more specifically ScaredSun) is what do you recommend I do? If it's to give up on ever being allowed back, that will take many, many years. My 2006 ban from the Insomniac Games Forum definitely did not affect me as badly as my ban from Retro yet I didn't really get over that ban until their administration finally unbanned me earlier this year. By then however, the company who created that forum and the community were so different compared to how they were in early 2006 that it doesn't even feel like the same site to me. I'm not even a fan of any games IG made this generation where as I'm still idiotically obsessed with the Sonic franchise and Sonic Retro is hands down the best Sonic site out there for various reasons. It also has one of the only Sonic forums I can find that I like. If a staff member were to dig deep into my history on Retro, the post I made so I could be activated mentioned that I was trying to find a good Sonic forum and wanted to become a member of the community because Sonic Retro seemed like it had a nice site. Little did I realize I would become so attached to the site only to fuck everything up years later...


Friday, August 17, 2012

Fuck Christianity!

          Not to sound like an asshole but I just don't understand why so many people are religious. Like so many people feel there just has to be some kind of higher power out there but if God created mankind (under the Christian religion), he created a pretty fucked up society. He purposely made us not perfect while also giving us unrealistic expectations that we're supposed to follow while giving people absolutely no proof he even exists. Yet despite there being no proof he exists, a lot of people rely on their religious faith with huge expectations on the afterlife and basing their entire moral structure on what their religion tells them to believe.

          I absolutely hate religion and if God exists as he's portrayed, I fucking hate him. I hate him for creating this horrible society and for his unrealistic expectations that he bestowed onto mankind. I hate him for the massive amount of brainwashing religion has done to critical thinking among many ignorant people who rely on religion to tell them what to think. I hate him for some of the moral teachings I strongly disagree with. I hate him for many things and you should hate him too if you believe in the Bible because God is horrible under how he's portrayed. Yet a lot of people pray to him or "speak" with him as if he's this amazing thing that will make things all better when his record shows he'll probably do jackshit to make your life or anyone else's any better.

          I fucking hate God and religion. I probably shouldn't have made this status update (this was originally posted on Facebook) but I just don't care at the moment. It makes absolutely no sense to me that so many people believe in Christianity when a lot of it sounds like absolute nonsense to me. But of course, expressing that view in that way seems crude and mean. But it's my honest view. I generally try to be nice on the subject of religion, but Christianity makes no sense to me and how that religion dictates a lot of our country's politics absolutely disgusts me. I'm a hardcore liberal who's an agnostic atheist and proud of it. Fuck religion.

          Apologizes to all who are offended by this but I don't see why I shouldn't state views like this on my Facebook page. I constantly see religious status updates acting like there has to be a God and that Christianity is the way to live a moral lifestyle as if my morality is inferior because I don't believe in God which pisses me off. My morality is not perfect and I'm certainly not a great person by any means, but I hate it when a lot of religious people act like you need to believe in God or else your morality will suffer a lot. It's like under the view of many, we need the fear of God in us or else society will go to shit. Well, if society is THAT fucked up, then maybe the higher being that created such a horrible society SHOULDN'T BE FUCKING WORSHIPED!


Thursday, July 12, 2012

I wish I was never born.

I do not like myself or the world I live in and wish I was never part of it. If I had a choice on whether or not I would have ever been born, I would've chosen to never exist but I didn't have that option and neither does anyone else. I understand that I had a pretty decent impact on some people's lives (both positive and negative) but having no impact from never being born sounds a lot better to me since reality fucking sucks and I'm a pathetic human being.

I honestly don't understand why a lot of people like being my friend. I'm a whiny fucking bitch with an unpleasant personality. I generally try to be a nice guy but deep down I can't help but feel like I'm total fucking asshole. I think on the negative constantly and I'm probably way too blunt. While I acknowledge I'm too harsh on myself, I can't help it. I just fucking hate who I am and have for a very long time. I have been trying to improve a lot lately on trying to be less harsh but I somehow managed to hurt my head around ten times (so far) tonight out of pure anger. I rarely hurt my head on purpose anymore yet I totally lost it tonight. At one point, I even hurt my jaw. What the fuck is wrong with me?

While I am an agnostic that leans toward atheism, if it turns out there is a god, fuck you god(s). Fuck you for being responsible for my existence and for creating this rotten planet. I don't care if there is a heave or hell. If I end up burning for these statements someday, so be it. Hell is a pretty horrifying concept and if it exists under how it's portrayed in Christianity, then God is worse than any human being who has walked on the earth for creating such unrealistic expectations in avoiding damnation. Fuck your flawed Christian morals and everything you stand for. If you somehow exist, fuck you God. Fuck you for everything.

Maybe tomorrow (technically today) I'll feel a lot better and feel dumb for even posting this but in meantime, I'm in a pretty bleak headspace and plan to go to bed after writing this since I feel too depressed to do much more tonight other than laying down and trying to sleep. Not to mention my sleep schedule has been trashy lately and really needs to improve. Anyways, goodnight. -_-