Thursday, July 12, 2012

I wish I was never born.

I do not like myself or the world I live in and wish I was never part of it. If I had a choice on whether or not I would have ever been born, I would've chosen to never exist but I didn't have that option and neither does anyone else. I understand that I had a pretty decent impact on some people's lives (both positive and negative) but having no impact from never being born sounds a lot better to me since reality fucking sucks and I'm a pathetic human being.

I honestly don't understand why a lot of people like being my friend. I'm a whiny fucking bitch with an unpleasant personality. I generally try to be a nice guy but deep down I can't help but feel like I'm total fucking asshole. I think on the negative constantly and I'm probably way too blunt. While I acknowledge I'm too harsh on myself, I can't help it. I just fucking hate who I am and have for a very long time. I have been trying to improve a lot lately on trying to be less harsh but I somehow managed to hurt my head around ten times (so far) tonight out of pure anger. I rarely hurt my head on purpose anymore yet I totally lost it tonight. At one point, I even hurt my jaw. What the fuck is wrong with me?

While I am an agnostic that leans toward atheism, if it turns out there is a god, fuck you god(s). Fuck you for being responsible for my existence and for creating this rotten planet. I don't care if there is a heave or hell. If I end up burning for these statements someday, so be it. Hell is a pretty horrifying concept and if it exists under how it's portrayed in Christianity, then God is worse than any human being who has walked on the earth for creating such unrealistic expectations in avoiding damnation. Fuck your flawed Christian morals and everything you stand for. If you somehow exist, fuck you God. Fuck you for everything.

Maybe tomorrow (technically today) I'll feel a lot better and feel dumb for even posting this but in meantime, I'm in a pretty bleak headspace and plan to go to bed after writing this since I feel too depressed to do much more tonight other than laying down and trying to sleep. Not to mention my sleep schedule has been trashy lately and really needs to improve. Anyways, goodnight. -_-