Without technology, I would have little reason to live.
A lot of the time I look happy and laughing, deep down a part of me just wants to fucking die.
Suicide is on my mind constantly.
I have been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder Moderate, without Psychotic Features.
I'm sick of people suggesting medication (or substances) to deal with my depression.
Most of the time I drink alcohol or eat pepperoni pizza, I'm filled with guilt the next day.
This is because my view of drugs is very negative and I view eating meat as immoral.
Yet I'm the absolute happiest and carefree when I'm drunk.
But that's partially because alcohol exaggerates my emotions to the extreme.
The other reason is that Drunk William generally doesn't care about many things.
Sober William, on the other hand, is bothered by a lot of things.
Whenever someone I know lies to benefit in some way, it sickens me (with few exceptions).
I'm far more judgmental of others than people realize, but I'm the harshest toward myself.
I aim to be a "decent person", but I view myself rottenly.
Telling me I'm a "good person" is likely to piss me off.
You have absolutely no idea how rotten my mentality can get.
Humans are cruel and I'm no exception.
I hate being human and I hate existence.
I despise the human sex drive and hormones.
Abortions should be more socially acceptable.
I wish I was aborted.
I wish I was never born.
I wish I wasn't alive.
...
But I'm stuck here.
And I'll be stuck here for a long, long, long time...
Living an undesirable future in a world I'd like an escape from.
I don't look forward to my future and hopefully you now have some insight as to why.
Sorry for worrying so many of you, but holding this all in would strengthen my desire to die.
-William
